29.85 -- I'm Making It
So hey, this is kind of heavy. My fault.
I'll be 30 in less than a month.
Most importantly, I'll be seeing the queen (Beyonce) in even shorter time.
Most importantly, I had no idea I'd be here.
I wish I could say last year was adventure seeking. I guess it kind of was. I've flown all over this great United States using Southwest so much I got nominated to be Pre-TSA (big deal I suppose).
But it was the opposite. Things happened, people I didn't think would disappoint did, and I carried more hard emotions inside that weighed more than my two suitcases, duffle bag, and laptop combined.
At one point I wondered why. Why was I trying when everything I worked and prayed for ended up turning to shit?
Why get excited about something when something I worked super hard on was going to be taken away from me?
What was the point in anything?
And while I read stupid quotes about happiness being a choice, I'm calling bullshit. "I'm actually trying to be happy!" I'd yell inside my head, sitting in the same spot in the dark for over 8 hours because moving was too much effort.
The worst was seeing people moving on in their daily lives. It's hard to see your friends enjoy themselves while you're dying inside. Not because you want them to be miserable, but because you want to talk to them, but you know you're just going to bring them down so you don't. And you realize you're a burden to them because you're not matched to their happiness level, so you fall further back into a seclusion hoping you kind of just disappear.
The last major disappointment was the worst. I thought I was finding my grip again. I thought things were about to turn around because I managed to find the strength to keep going, but then...nope. It hurt even worse because it was from people I thought had my best interest at hurt. And I was left to wonder, again, "What the hell? What in the actual literal hell?"
My plan was never to come back to Texas, but funny how things work out (insert when you have plans and God laughs quote).
And so I moved back, ready to start a new chapter with some new beginnings or whatever. The one thing I really hoped was for this to be different, because I couldn't do another carrying anything across this country again (for real. I had a month's worth of back pain that was super fun to deal with).
At 29.85 I'm making it. I'm not a hundred percent but I find myself working on it more. I have a new outlook on things and picking and choosing my battles. "It could be a lot worse" has a new meaning to it. I don't feel like disappearing anymore, so that's good I guess (it is, it is).
And I'm looking forward to 30. Nothing major happening, but I have plans made. I set new goals.
The most important thing about 30? I realize I'm going to be OK. It's going to be OK.
"Imma keep runnin cuz a winner don't quit on themselves." - Beyoncé
I'll be 30 in less than a month.
Most importantly, I'll be seeing the queen (Beyonce) in even shorter time.
Most importantly, I had no idea I'd be here.
I wish I could say last year was adventure seeking. I guess it kind of was. I've flown all over this great United States using Southwest so much I got nominated to be Pre-TSA (big deal I suppose).
But it was the opposite. Things happened, people I didn't think would disappoint did, and I carried more hard emotions inside that weighed more than my two suitcases, duffle bag, and laptop combined.
At one point I wondered why. Why was I trying when everything I worked and prayed for ended up turning to shit?
Why get excited about something when something I worked super hard on was going to be taken away from me?
What was the point in anything?
And while I read stupid quotes about happiness being a choice, I'm calling bullshit. "I'm actually trying to be happy!" I'd yell inside my head, sitting in the same spot in the dark for over 8 hours because moving was too much effort.
The worst was seeing people moving on in their daily lives. It's hard to see your friends enjoy themselves while you're dying inside. Not because you want them to be miserable, but because you want to talk to them, but you know you're just going to bring them down so you don't. And you realize you're a burden to them because you're not matched to their happiness level, so you fall further back into a seclusion hoping you kind of just disappear.
The last major disappointment was the worst. I thought I was finding my grip again. I thought things were about to turn around because I managed to find the strength to keep going, but then...nope. It hurt even worse because it was from people I thought had my best interest at hurt. And I was left to wonder, again, "What the hell? What in the actual literal hell?"
My plan was never to come back to Texas, but funny how things work out (insert when you have plans and God laughs quote).
And so I moved back, ready to start a new chapter with some new beginnings or whatever. The one thing I really hoped was for this to be different, because I couldn't do another carrying anything across this country again (for real. I had a month's worth of back pain that was super fun to deal with).
At 29.85 I'm making it. I'm not a hundred percent but I find myself working on it more. I have a new outlook on things and picking and choosing my battles. "It could be a lot worse" has a new meaning to it. I don't feel like disappearing anymore, so that's good I guess (it is, it is).
And I'm looking forward to 30. Nothing major happening, but I have plans made. I set new goals.
The most important thing about 30? I realize I'm going to be OK. It's going to be OK.
"Imma keep runnin cuz a winner don't quit on themselves." - Beyoncé
