The Past is the Past
The rabbit hole of ancestory..com is (or was) an interesting one.
For one, I realized a lot of my family records don't exist due to small town and maybe racism in the South. That means the only records I could find were of me, my mother, and the sperm donor.
And the public records I did find weren't much of a shock, not even the fact that the sperm donor got married.
Let me clear up something: the sperm donor isn't an actual sperm donor. I mean yes he is, but actually, no he's not.
The "sperm donor" is the term I like to use for the lack of being a parent he's been in my life. For the most part, all of my memories of him include neglect and abuse (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual).
So I don't claim him as my father. In my head, it's weird to think it can ever happen.
There were no daddy/daughter dances or support during competitions. There were excuses, so many excuses, and misplaced blame.
There was chocking at 9. I remember the time and location. There was shaming me for clothing choices at 11 to the point that I was dragged out of the truck and had my face beaten. I remember and void those streets to this day.
He missed me going off to prom, graduating high school and stepping on campus the first time. The times he wanted to be present were put with little effort or random change thrown here and there. Nothing to establish a real longing relationship.
And as friends got married, I realized there will be no walking down the aisle or first dance. There won't be him holding his grandchild (he'll never be allowed near them).
In all honesty, this got me down for a while.
What did I do that made me not enough? Should I put in more effort? Should I change? Will this cement my place in hell?
Break: that last question is laughable. There are so many other things I'm pretty sure God isn't going to point THIS one out, but that's for another time.
It wasn't until a year ago when I started therapy. It had nothing to do with him and everything at the same time. I never dealt with issues, just suppressed them and kept it moving. But it was always there never to be dealt with...until now.
Over the last year, I talked about how his behaviors and absence impacted my relationships with friends and handeling situations. So I went through everything, talked about it, and cried about it.
The process was tiring, sometimes freeing, often draining.
For the last year, I felt the weight of his actions on my shoulders. Of course, I was getting them out, but I felt like I was carrying it with me to the present.
Going back to the day of trying to discover some family roots, I came across the sperm donor's marriage certificate.
Backstory: he has no idea I know he's married (unless he comes across this post, then hey!). It was at the time he wanted to repair a relationship with me (it came to him to be a better person after having a mental breakdown. Whatevs). If I put the timeline together, he was seeing her but never told me about it. He wanted an honest relationship while not being honest.
Nothing new there.
September 27, 2010, was the last time I saw him. Another holiday missed. Another broken promise made.
Again, nothing new.
The marriage certificate was filed May 1, 2011. If the proof I gathered from extreme Facebook investigating pays off, he was married May 9.
He filed the certificate 11 days before my birthday.
He got married 3 days before my birthday.
Marriage, one of the most important events in your life, held a secret from someone you're supposed to care about.
But today I can type this and not be shocked.
His actions are his, my actions are mine.
He chose not to be a father, he chose to not fight for a relationship. He chose to raise his fists, pray that I become a better person. He chose to choke out of anger, to dehumanize as a child.
There's nothing I could have done to stop or prevent that.
I choose to move on. I choose not to carry that crap into the present, taint my relationships, or hold me back from the choices I make.
I choose to surround myself with people opposite of him. I choose to know the future father of my children will be nothing like him because I know what to look for. My relationships and outlook on life will not be harbored by his actions.
Everything that's happened in the past stays in the past. Looking forward tot he future, I'll treasure the relationships I have, create more, and enjoy life.
The past is the past. The present is now.
For one, I realized a lot of my family records don't exist due to small town and maybe racism in the South. That means the only records I could find were of me, my mother, and the sperm donor.
And the public records I did find weren't much of a shock, not even the fact that the sperm donor got married.
Let me clear up something: the sperm donor isn't an actual sperm donor. I mean yes he is, but actually, no he's not.
The "sperm donor" is the term I like to use for the lack of being a parent he's been in my life. For the most part, all of my memories of him include neglect and abuse (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual).
So I don't claim him as my father. In my head, it's weird to think it can ever happen.
There were no daddy/daughter dances or support during competitions. There were excuses, so many excuses, and misplaced blame.
There was chocking at 9. I remember the time and location. There was shaming me for clothing choices at 11 to the point that I was dragged out of the truck and had my face beaten. I remember and void those streets to this day.
He missed me going off to prom, graduating high school and stepping on campus the first time. The times he wanted to be present were put with little effort or random change thrown here and there. Nothing to establish a real longing relationship.
And as friends got married, I realized there will be no walking down the aisle or first dance. There won't be him holding his grandchild (he'll never be allowed near them).
In all honesty, this got me down for a while.
What did I do that made me not enough? Should I put in more effort? Should I change? Will this cement my place in hell?
Break: that last question is laughable. There are so many other things I'm pretty sure God isn't going to point THIS one out, but that's for another time.
It wasn't until a year ago when I started therapy. It had nothing to do with him and everything at the same time. I never dealt with issues, just suppressed them and kept it moving. But it was always there never to be dealt with...until now.
Over the last year, I talked about how his behaviors and absence impacted my relationships with friends and handeling situations. So I went through everything, talked about it, and cried about it.
The process was tiring, sometimes freeing, often draining.
For the last year, I felt the weight of his actions on my shoulders. Of course, I was getting them out, but I felt like I was carrying it with me to the present.
Going back to the day of trying to discover some family roots, I came across the sperm donor's marriage certificate.
Backstory: he has no idea I know he's married (unless he comes across this post, then hey!). It was at the time he wanted to repair a relationship with me (it came to him to be a better person after having a mental breakdown. Whatevs). If I put the timeline together, he was seeing her but never told me about it. He wanted an honest relationship while not being honest.
Nothing new there.
September 27, 2010, was the last time I saw him. Another holiday missed. Another broken promise made.
Again, nothing new.
The marriage certificate was filed May 1, 2011. If the proof I gathered from extreme Facebook investigating pays off, he was married May 9.
He filed the certificate 11 days before my birthday.
He got married 3 days before my birthday.
Marriage, one of the most important events in your life, held a secret from someone you're supposed to care about.
But today I can type this and not be shocked.
His actions are his, my actions are mine.
He chose not to be a father, he chose to not fight for a relationship. He chose to raise his fists, pray that I become a better person. He chose to choke out of anger, to dehumanize as a child.
There's nothing I could have done to stop or prevent that.
I choose to move on. I choose not to carry that crap into the present, taint my relationships, or hold me back from the choices I make.
I choose to surround myself with people opposite of him. I choose to know the future father of my children will be nothing like him because I know what to look for. My relationships and outlook on life will not be harbored by his actions.
Everything that's happened in the past stays in the past. Looking forward tot he future, I'll treasure the relationships I have, create more, and enjoy life.
The past is the past. The present is now.
